When Breast Cancer Strikes Close to Home By Karen Wilken, R.N., M.S., Breast Cancer Survivor When a friend tells you she has breast cancer, what should you do? Call her? Send a card? What should you say? "Everything will be fine"? or "They are doing wonderful things now with reconstructive surgery"? These responses may seem inadequate and aren't always appropriate. The word "cancer" strikes terror in the minds of many people, leaving them at a loss for words. When cancer strikes a friend, what should you say? Rather than trying to come up with some deep philosophical message or brilliant pearls of wisdom, just say: "I'm sorry that you are going through a difficult time." Although you may hope that your friend will recover, it is best not to say, "I'm sure that everything will be fine." This diminishes the seriousness of the situation and does not always instill confidence. Telephone calls and cards are wonderful ways to convey your concern. Just remember to make you messages brief and positive. This is not the time to tell horror stories of other friends or relatives who have gone through treatment for cancer. Cards are nice because the person can open them later if she is not feeling well when the mail arrives. Humorous cards are appreciated if they are appropriate. If you are a breast cancer survivor yourself, call and offer the person support. If you are not a survivor, do not say, "I know what you are going through," because you don't. Likewise, you might offer your personal insight if you have had reconstructive surgery. If not, it is best not to say, "I hear they are doing wonderful things with reconstructive surgery." This is similar to telling a woman who has just had a miscarriage, "You can have other children." Treatment for breast cancer varies, but often it can last for months. Remember to check on your friend throughout the course of treatment, not just at the time of diagnosis. A simple "How are you doing now?" is always appreciated. Sometimes it might seem easier to just avoid your friend entirely. Maybe you are afraid that you will cry or say the wrong thing to her. A friend who cries with you is someone who is willing to share the suffering. Just don't become so emotional that the person you are trying to comfort must comfort you. While it is hard to face our own mortality, don't let your feelings prevent you from reaching out to your friend. It is very helpful to coordinate meals and deliver them in disposable containers to the family. Discarding containers is easier than returning dishes. Appoint someone in your group of friends to coordinate the meals so the food doesn't go to waste and to ask about any dietary concerns ahead of time. If you want to help, make a specific request rather than saying, "Call me if I can do anything." It is hard to call and ask for help, but easier if a friend says, "I will take your child to soccer practice this week." Other helpful suggestions are to drive your friend to and from her treatments, help with childcare, and offer to go to the grocery store for her. You also might offer to drive your friend to a breast cancer support group meeting and stay at the meeting with her. Interacting with a roomful of women who have been through treatment for breast cancer is not only informative, but also immensely reassuring. Pray for your friend or with her, but don't try to second-guess why this happened to her. Well-meaning statements like, "God knows that you are a strong person and can get through this," leave the woman feeling that if she were not such a "strong person" this would not have happened to her. And anyone who faces a life threatening disease, even though they appear to be assertive and in control, has times of great fear and uncertainty. It would be better to simply say, "You are in my prayers." Books and tapes are available that offer encouragement, information, and humor. They make nice gifts for someone who has been diagnosed with cancer. Finally, don't forget to take care of yourself. Learn to do a breast self-exam, have a yearly exam by your health care provider, and get a mammogram every year if you are over the age of 40. Contribute to organizations that support breast cancer research. And if you find that a friend has breast cancer, support her through the battle with hope and encouragement. About the Author: Karen Wilken, R.N., M.S., a breast cancer survivor, is director of Director of Clinical Specialty Services at Methodist Medical Center of Oak Ridge, TN, where she previously served as director of cancer services. She is a graduate of the St. Francis School of Nursing in Evanston, Ill. and holds a master of science in Health Services Administration from the University of St. Francis in Joliet, Ill. Wilken is a member of the Oncology Nursing Society and the Tennessee Organization of Nurse Executives, board member and past president of the Anderson County Chapter of the American Cancer Society, and a member of the University of St. Francis Advisory Board and the Wellness Community board.

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